Quality Time With Our Former Colonial Overlords (Or, Neil's Trip To The UK)

Episode 5: Yum, Yum, Give Me Some

I. Let's All Go To The Market

England is (in)famous for having crap food. I mean, come on, when your most well-known native dish is a slab of deep fried fish, you know there was a creativity issue in the kitchens of yore. But judging too quickly would be a mistake, because not only is modern cosmopolitan London packed to the anus with a global selection of restauranting, other indigenous treats are well worth checking out.

Before we delve into actual British cuisine, let me mention a common eating option for regular folk living in London, which seriously impressed me. Namely, Pret A Manger ("Ready To Eat" baby), a chain as ubiquitous as Starbucks, Au Bon Pain, or Dunkin Donuts in the Boston area. They've set up shop almost everywhere and what makes their selection so amazing to me is that it's natural and preservative free. 100% healthy and made from all natural ingredients. So a mango and mandarin fizzy water is precisely that: mango juice, orange juice and water. A tomato and mozzarella sandwich is cheese, tomato and fresh bread. Nothing fake, nothing chemical, as it should be. For a place as common as McDonalds, this is mind-blowing for me. Albeit, not everyone eats here (the fatties, for example). But the fact that it is readily available, healthy, and affordable enough, it's no wonder a lot of the people are fitter. When I think about all the frozen, prepackaged and enormous portions on sale in popular American eateries, I want to vomit.

100% Natural, No Nasties!

The Power of Christ Compels Thee!

As if this goodness weren't enough, even more enjoyable fare of the prepackaged vein can be found. As I mentioned above, Pret is a godsend for those without much time to cook healthy meals or enjoy a relaxed meal. But if you're even more cramped for time, just go to the supermarket.

In the UK, supermarket dining is actually a very viable and enjoyable option. At the higher class places, of course. Peep the UK Supermarket Hierarchy (in order from bourgeoisie to hella ghetto), as kindly laid out for me by Sandra and her uni friends:

1. Waitrose: the most bougie of the bougie, the stuck-up Posh Spice of the marketplace.
2. Marks & Spencer: or, "M&S" as it's hiply known, where even cookies seem healthy.
3. Sainsburys and Morrisons: nothing to scoff at, with a bevy of fresh options in a more relaxed and less high-class atmosphere.
4. Tesco: the stock supermarket of the land, reliable and open late.
5. Iceland: now we're getting ghetto. Alcohol selection includes cheap wine and Smirnoff Ice. Lots of frozen food.
6. ASDA: consistenly wins awards for being the cheapest supermarket in the UK. Dunno if that's a good (affordable) or bad (ghetto quality) thing.

I had the honour of visiting of most of those, so here's my take on the matter.

Waitrose is indeed bourgeoisie to the max and I imagine most "real" Londoners (i.e. the ones living outside Zone 1) wouldn't want to waste their hard-earned pounds at this place. Much like Whole Foods and Trader Joe's are wholly unnecessary for po'folk in the US.

Sainsburys and Tesco would be the natural choice for me if I were to live in this heavenly paradise of a land. But personally, Marks & Spencer is the best.

M&S are generally famous for their prepackaged food, even in places as far away as Singapore. Basic bottled water comes in delicious flavour combo as varied as your imagination allows (peach, mandarin orange, lemon citrus, pomegranate, etc.), pre-cut gourmet salads, fruits, and veggies with hummus, sandwiches, wraps and buns, all fresh and made with shockingly vibrant ingredients. Health benefits and affordability aside, it all tastes divine and could compete with dishes available at many restaurants charging double or triple. Considering a nice hunk of beef at a steakhouse can cost around 20 quid a go, why not enjoy something healthier for less?

II. Fancy A Bit Of My Meat And Two Veg?

Now, onto actual British dishes. With all the international eating options around, I only had a few choice meals that included British food. So even though curry is officially one of the country's national foods, I'll give the colonially acquired chow a skip for now, as it's a rather new addition to the culinary arsenal. Let's go back to those olde tyme favourites.

Classic Scottish Curry =P

Traditional English breakfast is one such stereotypical favourite. What's included? Well, a lot more than your average Bickford's Lumberjack, that's for sure. A typical plate will include a Hobbit's portion: a few rashers (strips) of bacon, pork sausage, fried eggs, fried toast, some baked beans, mushrooms, cooked tomatoes, and everyone's favorite, blood pudding.

Traditionally, blood (or, black) pudding - which looks and tastes like duck blood gao in Chinese hot pot - was eaten by poor folk in the winter. Having only one cow, which they certainly couldn't afford to kill whenever they craved meat, they would make a small incision in the beast's leg, drain some blood, mix it with oats, and make scrumptious protein cakes. Sounds fantastic, I know, although I prefer mine served nicely on a plate with the aforementioned fixins and no visible reference to bovine lacerations. Blagh!

In addition to this, I shit you not, they also gave me a few pieces of non-fried toast.

Another English tradition is afternoon tea. Savoury sandwich bites, steaming scones and other sweet baked goods, paired with pot after diuretic pot of fragrant English tea, is a luxury that everyone should try at least once in their life. In Bath, Sally Lunn's famous buns break the standard monotony of the typical afternoon tea set with those eponymous buns that have kept her now-mummified ass in business since the late 1600s. Like a giant mutant hamburger bun bottom, these wonders (cooked in "faggots", no really) are topped with fresh buttercream and conserve of your choice. The classic Sally Lunn is topped with fresh strawberry jam (err, "jahm"), but I opted for the lemon goo instead, which was equally divine.

The Sally Lunn Bun(n)

Real English Tea

The Ladies:
Kathleen, Betty, Sandra

The Gentlemen:

Neil and Sean

Happy We Can Even Afford Afternoon Tea

Sally Lunn's, since time immemorial

Moving on to less interesting fare, we meet that age old Brit dish that everyone thinks is sooooo delightfully fresh and unique, fish and chips. *Zzzzzz* A hunk of fried cod is indeed as boring as it sounds (though nearly not as boring as "bangers and mash", which is just sausage and mashed potatoes). The English creative juices seem to have all flowed towards sectors of the non-culinary sort, such as art, culture and ways to imperially screw other countries, because fried fish as a national dish is just plain lazy. As a marker of culture, fine, I accept it. But as a representation of what its kitchens have to offer to the rest of the world? I scoff.

The side of chunky fried potatoes (say it with me now, "chips", not fries) doesn't spice it up any further either, but oh do they love those chips. Even moreso than Americans, Brits devour chips like Chinese do white rice, especially with malt vinegar and salt and pepper, the very best way to enjoy it.

Some Decidedly More Upscale Fish & Chips (Salad With The Chips!)

Happy Fisherman

I was previously unaware of the country's obsession with chips. They are served with bloody everything! The evil Yankees nutrition option to my favorite Pret A Manger Red Sox. I swear, everywhere you go, there's an option to get a side of chips, even at the freaking Asian kebab shops. I want a side of pita with my chicken sharwama, not a heaping hunk of fries. Gah, I don't want to see another french fry (sorry for the lapse in Brit-speak, I'm angry!) for a very long time. In total, I think I wasted over 2 pounds (weight, not money) of chips, simply because they are unavoidable and inescapable. Like that stalker from the IT department or creeping old age. Evil, evil things.

III. I Heart Sheep Stomach

Speaking of fried things, we hop north to Scotland, the home of fried EVERYTHING. These folk even managed to nab the dubious honour of creating the fried Mars Bar (like a Snickers or Three Musketeers), a heart-attack disguised in battered chocolate. THAT is ingenuity. And here I am thinking Americans are nasty for inventing a fried oreo.

Forgot to mention these are all deep-fried. Except the beverages. That'd be a feat.

Scottish food was somewhat different than English food. More interesting to me. As you just read, English food is basically of the sealife-tuber variety OR curry. So since fish and chips are so boring they don't count as anything particularly creative, Indian food really is England's cuisine. The Scots love it too, but they have an actual cultural claim to culinary fame: haggis, which, surprisingly, isn't as bad as you'd think.

Haggis, the hearty former peasant food once relegated to lowly servants during grand meals, is basically sheep lung/heart/innards/brains chopped up, mixed with grain and oats, and - wait, it gets better - sewed in a sheep's stomach and boiled for 2 to 3 hours. This gloriously disgusting prospect is served with mashed potatoes and mashed turnips, called "neeps and tatties." (Haha, that's kinda like "nips" and "titties," ain't it? Teehee!)

Now, while you're cleaning up your puke from the keyboard, take note: it's absolutely delicious. If you get it done right.

I had one poor representation, microwaved beyond recognition in an Edinburgh restaurant, whose curry (why am I not surprised?) was much better. Since I had a nagging suspicion that something was amiss, I thought I ought to give haggis a second chance. I was right in my doubts and was not disappointed.

Offensively bland haggis, neeps and tatties at Standing Order restaurant

In Loch Ness, I dined on an awesome deep-fried version (see, even haggis isn't safe from the vat of oil), which was tender, succulent and very very tasty. The innards are chopped up so finely that the consistency resembles chopped burger meat, only juicier. The herbs and spices tossed in gave it a fragrant and savoury taste that masked the typical heavy mutton "stink" that many people find off-putting. Washed down with a bottle of Irn Bru ("Iron Brew," a radioactive orange soda pop that tastes like a creamsicle mixed with bubblegum, that can supposedly work wonders, and has a fantastic advertising team), I stand by the claim that it was my favorite meal in Scotland.

Best Scottish Meal: Irn Bru, Deep-fried Haggis, Chips

In all honesty, I was craving it until the last day before boarding the plane back to England. However, ironically, the only place serving haggis at the airport was a branch of that original joint that gave me the first, nuked-out, icky version. Gross as it may seem on paper, there is a good reason why it remains the country's national dish.

Delicious Sheep's Innards Call My Name...

Other famous must-tries are Aberdeen Angus beef (in burger or steak form) and seafood. Scottish salmon is world famous, but, on my budget, I opted to try something completely new instead. Cullen skink is a classic Scot seafood chowder made with cream, fresh herbs, potatoes and dried mackerel. Served with chunks of grainy bread smothered in butter, it is a dream on a cold and windy Scottish *summer* day.

Overall, although we had our fair share of Chinese (mostly Cantonese, God bless), Indian, Italian and even Belgian (Belgo, Covent Garden station, off Neal Street, order the mussels!), I should give the UK credit for at least putting a smile on my face with the few uniquely indigenous Brit dishes that I tried. Streetside curries and kebabs, oily fish and chips, overwhelmingly stuffing English breakfast, delightful afternoon tea, tart Ribena blackcurrant juice, mega Twix the size of John Holmes' pride, and deep fried bags of chopped innards. Not bad, in retrospect. I'm still dreaming of that haggis. Sweet, sweet haggis.

Lamburger from a streetside fair in London

Those delicious Belgo mussels, served with mayo-doused frites and a pint of Belgian lager