Quality Time With Our Former Colonial Overlords (Or, Neil's Trip To The UK)

Episode 4: Let's Make A Movie

I. Off To Hogwarts

Maybe music and shopping aren't your thing. While I pity your meaningless existence, I understand your condition. I hear eating is pretty popular, but some people just aren't into it. To each his own. Maybe movies get you off. They have the same effect on me, too. Which is why the UK is an absolute treasure trove for movie fans that can't make pilgrimages to New York City, Hollywood or New Zealand. Around every corner, just about, there is something to be spotted. A church. A skyscraper. A street. A cafe. An entire landscape. All seen in one your "favorite movies of all time," just waiting for you to take a well-timed picture of it.

First off, let's use a handy pop culture analogy from fanboy movie land:

New Zealand : Lord of the Rings :: The UK : ?

Give up? Harry Potter, bitches! Depending on where you venture in Britain, you're liked to wander onto Diagon Alley (Leadenhall Market), into Hogwarts (Alnwick Castle, Northumberland) or even the Hogwarts dining room (Christ Church, Oxford University). But whilst in London, I only had time for one special, out-of-the-way visit. To Platform 9¾.

Your ticket to Hogwarts

As you all (should) know, Platform 9.75 (easier on the eyes) is where Hogwarts students wave bye-bye to mum and dad, run headlong into a brick wall, and emerge, unscathed, on the other side to board the Hogwarts Express for another deadly school year. Fun! I want to fight evil with magic too!

All the way to the left of the station, near Platforms 9, 10 & 11.
Keep walking straight until you pass under that walkway in the background...

Here we are at the walkway.
Keep going and bang a left up where that dude in the blue shirt is walking.
Voila~

Located at King's Cross St. Pancras station (take the Piccadilly Line), the platform is tucked in an isolated area past the real Platform 9, in the left-most nook of the station. The real shot from the movie is actually located near Platform 4, at the center of the cavernous station, which is more impressive than something tucked away near a construction site. Just follow the groups of American tourists giggling with anticipation and, if there are none around, ask one of the staff, who are already trained with a stock response for stupid tourists like you. Err, us. Moving on.

Her shirt says "I got wait listed at Hogwarts." Cute if it weren't so nerdily obnoxious.

Real Hogwarts Geniuses: Neil, Kathleen, Sandra

There's nothing particularly mind-blowing about 9.75, save for the fact that it is very cool of London Public Transport to provide this neat little tidbit for fans around the world. After you snap the required shot of you, holding on to the luggage cart that is cleverly already halfway through the wall, you can be proud to know that you are a most superior HP fan to those lesser dedicated riff-raff friends of yours that aren't cool enough to fly all the way to London solely for a photo-op with a fabricated piece of pop culture. HA! Fools! ....

I bet no one at Hogwarts has ever JUMPED through. Lightweights. I totally look like I'm flying. What a badass.

For a full list of places for HP fanboys/girls to visit, check out this link and this link.

Although London is teeming with places that you've seen in movies, we didn't have enough time to waste running about town just for posed shots at Notting Hill, MI6, or Austin Powers' groovy shag loft, baby. Cultural immersion in free museums trump all. We had planned to visit Fleet Street, home to human-flesh-pasty-making devil, Sweeney Todd, but alas did not have a spare moment for a haircut. If you're interested, hop off the Circle/District line at Blackfriars and walk to 186 Fleet Street. If you see Johnny Depp, tell him I love him.

Border-hopping north and into Scotland, there's also a bevy of movie crap to wrap your head around. Let's stay on the Harry Potter track for a few minutes more, shall we?

After visiting Scotland, in all its wonder and magic, I felt very strongly that this must be the place that inspired a lot of the HP universe. It all fits: there's a real St. Mungo and a Scottish surname, Crookshanks (here I am thinking they were ridiculous made-up names); the imposing and slightly mystical architecture of Edinburgh screams Hogwarts; and the Highlands, which I could have sworn I saw in one of the movies (Azkaban, natch). To name just but a few examples that have been swirling in my brain. Well, it turns out to be true! Bless JK Rowling for being on the same page as me.

In addition to passing the Highland bridge used to shoot the scenes with the Hogwarts Express chugging to school, we also had the opportunity to visit a more real-world muggle locale: a cafe in Edinburgh called The Elephant House, where old Jo wrote the first book.

The Elephant House (in case you couldn't see the sign)

Milking it for everything they can (Sorry, Butterbeer not for sale to minors)

This modest cafe on George IV Bridge off the Royal Mile, a mere 10 minute walk from Edinburgh Castle, is packed with locals enjoying the Free Trade coffee and "strombolis" (basically, an overpriced panini) and overzealous HP fans alike. On a ratty old sofa in this sun-soaked shop, Rowling wrote what would become The Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone. Certainly not worth the exorbitant prices, but hey, when a die-hard Harry Potter fanatic is in Edinburgh...

Whoa Nelly!
[Insert joke about actual elephants in Elephant House here]

II. Highlanders

Waving goodbye to Harry Potter, we delve into more adult fare. If magic isn't your thing, maybe heroin is. So you Trainspotting fans will be pleased to know that Edinburgh is where your favorite junkies stole shit (on Princes Street!), looked at locomotives and got high as kites in the 90s classic.

Gets better every time you watch it

If dramatic era pieces are more your bag, then we must travel further north to the wilderness of the Highlands. Without directing obvious nods to the Highlander series (starring French tool, Christopher Lambert, a.k.a. your friendly neighborhood thunder god, Raiden) or any potential Loch Ness related fiddle-faddle (e.g. The Water Horse), there are two huge films with deep roots (and controversies) based in the Highlands: Rob Roy and Braveheart.

Pretty much everyone has seen Braveheart, so I'll spare you the background information and sappy quotes. However, I admit that I haven't seen Rob Roy, so chances are you haven't either. Fortunately I got a crash-course summary from our tour bus driver (no puns intended, pei-pei-pei!). So what's the fuss about? First, let's start with the facts:

Braveheart is a Hollywood story based on the real life William Wallace, who lived in an area called Stirling, located West of Edinburgh. He lived near the Highlands and was executed by the bad bad British (more precisely: strangled, eviscerated, castrated, beheaded, and then, to be sure, drawn and quartered for good measure).

Rob Roy is a Hollywood story based on the real life...Rob Roy (MacGregor). He lived further Northwest in the actual Highlands, somewhere south of Glencoe, and most certainly did not play Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars Episode 1.

Those are the facts. Pretty slim, right? How could you weave two 2+ hour movies from that? With the magic of Hollywood! Digging into the memory banks, try and remember all you can about those movies and rejoin me below for some interesting inconsistencies.


William Wallace (said "Braveheart") was 6'7". *Pause* A fucking beast of a man who wielded a sword 5'7" long. *Second pause* That is HUGE. In a delicious bit of number play, Mel Gibson is also 5'7" (or 5'10", depending on the source). Imagine Wallace waving around Mel like a little toy. "How dare you desecrate my name. Blaaargh! I'm Will.i.am Wallace!" Hilarity ensues.

Wallace was also not quite as wild and mangy as in the films, but rather a moderately respected landowner. Shocking to believe Mel Gibson would fabricate historical truths for box office gain (zing!). So please don't cry when I tell you that the part in the movie where the Highlanders flip up their kilts and moon the Brits didn't happen. No one is that stupid to expose their quivering nutsacks to a full line of English musket power (and they hadn't even invented that style of kilt yet). And to further ruffle your feathers, that whole "Freedom" speech actually belongs to Robert the Bruce. Suck it, Braveheart nerds.

A Two-Handed (duh) Sword, Used By Badasses Like William Wallace

Rob Roy, on the other end of the aesthetic spectrum, was a red-headed freakshow of a man. Apparently, his arms were so long that his hands reached his knees. And dude was only 5'4" tall. Kind of like Gollum. I don't know when you last took a peek at Irishman (gasp!) Liam Neeson, but he's a pretty dashing gentleman. And 6'4" tall with brown hair. Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood...

According to local history, when Roy was brought to face the English king for his Robin Hood-esque thievery crimes (mainly "reiving", e.g. stealing, to pay off late debts), the king was so taken off guard by Roy's gnome-like appearance that he pardoned the little guy in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. That happened to me once in college... girls can be so cruel...

Enough about those guys. I'm starting to get irritated with all the romanticised heroism. Let's get into a real classic.

On the way out of the Highlands and back to Edinburgh, we passed a ramshackle castle in the distant mist, which starred in one of the greatest films of all time: Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Doune Castle in itself is nothing too special. However, as a pilgrimage point for Grail buffs, it has since hopped aboard the Python express and welcomes fans without insult. One year, according to our tour guide, local merchants were surprised to sell out entire supplies of imported coconuts, all mysteriously headed to Doune. I suppose the fans needed transportation to get around the castle grounds, eh?

III. Trail To The Grail

First, we dabbled in the fantasy world with boy wizards and jailbait witches. Then we touched upon Hollywood deception in the Highland hills. Finally, we were reacquainted with the best Grail-referencing film ever (sorry, Indy). So why don't we combine fantasy, deception and grails into one convenient finale?

If you've been an active member of any culture in the past few years, you've no doubt either fallen in love or grown to hate Dan Brown and his arsenal of fairy tales. I admit, I am a Dan Brown apologist. I find his stories highly entertaining and devoured all of them within a fortnight one summer in 2003. Yet I am aware of the controversy and overall bad taste that he leaves in the mouths of discerning literature buffs and overzealous Christian right-wingers alike. So where is this all headed? Well, if you remember the movie, The Da Vinci Code, and the far-superior book it was based on, you know that all points lead to Scotland, at a delightfully magical church called Rosslyn Chapel.

The site was a highly anticipated part of our journey. So as we boarded Lothian Bus 15 from Prince Street, I was giddy to finally be starting our pilgrimage south. A swift 30 minutes later, we arrived in Roslin.

Roslin, near Rosewell, not Roswell

Rosslyn Chapel, a Scottish Episcopalian church located in the once-peaceful village of Roslin, is a gem on its own. Even without the grudgingly-received attention thrust upon it by Mr. Brown's musings, it is a wondrous and borderline mythical site that stands on its own as a marvel of religious architecture, design and creativity.

Stock photo of Rosslyn, before the scaffolding ruined the view (to the far left, you can see the unfinished wall that was supposed to be the transept of a huge cathedral) (from Wiki)

Without busting too much of a love load over Rosslyn, I'll share with you some highlights and try to clear the air about this place. If you don't care for religious symbolism or mythic tales, you can save some time and stop reading here; I'll be wrapping this entry up with this subject, but I do go on about it for quite some time... I've already pushed audience attention-span limits with the length of this entry. Just saying. Moving on.

I had planned the Rosslyn visit as one of the must-see highlights of the trip, more important and meaningful to me than anything in Edinburgh (sorry). Despite popular belief, I have a deep respect for the religious and have my own private well of deep faith. And I especially love when supernatural, mythical, or otherwise fantastical elements are added to the mix; it makes all the boring dogma seem worthwhile. Thus, the need to see Rosslyn with my own eyes.

Housed in the choir portion of what was to be an entire Roman Catholic cathedral, Rosslyn Chapel (a.k.a. The Collegiate Church of Saint Matthew) is an ornately decorated house of worship, painstakingly detailed to "illustrate" a wealth of tales on every surface of its porous sandstone. This is perhaps why it is sometimes referred to as a Bible in rock, a storybook in stone and glass.

Unfortunately, no photography was allowed inside, so the only shots I got were of the exterior (the chapel is covered with scaffolding, but the silver lining is that you can actually climb up the catwalk and see the roof details). Check out this video tour for a more in-depth look at this beautiful place (or this slideshow, if you prefer to avoid a narrated guide).

The interior of Rosslyn's choir (from Wiki)

See the map on the right. I tried to make it clear, orienting the location of the building in relation to what would have been a whole cathedral. Think of this as the top part of a cross. That unsightly scaffolding is actually protecting the crumbling structure from rain damage.

The original, lustrous pink sandstone

Unfortunately, whatever was alluded to in The Da Vinci Code is only loosely based on reality. Sorry, but "Rosslyn" does not mean "Rose Line"; it's actually "waterfall over the rock". And Jesus and Mary Magdeline's family tree ain't in the crypt either. It is indeed related to the Knights Templar and might be vaguely connected to the Masons, but the truths and debated fictions that existed here before Dan Brown's book are, in my opinion, far more interesting and feasible. To wit:

-Dedicated to Saint Matthew, the chapel was meticulously built to honour this saint in a most astounding way. In the central rose window (the stained glass above the choir), there is a tiny triangle of red glass (see photo below). Only on one day out of the year does the sun shine directly through it: the first day of the Autumnal Equinox or, St. Matthew's Day. Genius.

Rose window detail

-Decorated with an abundance of Christian-based carvings, the chapel is also unique in its references to non-Christian motifs. Most famous are the carvings of Green Men. These pagan symbols of fertility are ugly little beasties: tiny cherubic faces with vines and shrubbery spewing from their orifices. They make Pan look like a cuddly sheep.

Green Man: ugly little fucker (from Wiki)

-Most people believe Columbus "discovered" America. Not here. In addition to the aforementioned Green Men, there are also a curious amount of vegetation motifs depicting plants that were not indiginous to Europe at the time of carving. These plants are North American (maize/corn, aloe) and have led many to believe that one of the Knights Templar associated with Rosslyn may have traveled to America long before Columbus. The coolest bit about it? Supposedly, this knight landed very close to home. My home.

See the corn in the inner lining of the window arch? Mysteeeeriouuuus (from Wiki)

After a mission from Scotland to Nova Scotia hit bad weather, a group led by Henry Sinclair found shelter in Massachusetts. This knight Sinclair, an ancestor to the current keepers of Rosslyn Chapel, eventually died and was buried in a little town called Westford. Baaaadaaaass. For those of you back home, he can be found on Prospect Hill (near the Westford Center rotary, off 495, on Depot Street), the grave marked by a carved relief tombstone. Whether it's truly him or not, this random reference to my current US home was something unexpected and, I admit, pretty cool.

Driven past this millions of times without knowing what it was... (from Flickr)

-On a carving of Moses (Old Testament guy, not my Dad) near the Southern entrance, there are two curious horns protruding from his head. The Rosslyn artists did not mean to imply he was Satan. Rather, this was due to a mistranslation of the word "horn" in Hebrew, which was supposed to be translated as "light" or "aura." As in, "a light/aura rose from Moses' head." Let that be a lesson to lazy freelance Bible translators out there.

Horny Moses (from Flickr)

-Near the far eastern end of the chapel, in the Lady Choir, there are little trapezoidal protrusions that jut out along the interiors of the column arches. On each square is a unique design that was said to be connected to a musical note. So, a pair of curious guys decided to try and decipher the designs using Chladni patterns. What resulted was a full piece of music called the Rosslyn Motet. Please do check out this amazing video charting the musical cipher. I find it overwhelmingly fascinating.

-The most famous pieces of the chapel are arguably the Master Mason pillar and the Apprentice pillar. The Master Mason has a fine and stately design, understated and elegant in its relative simplicity. The Apprentice pillar, on the other hand, is a badass of a shaft that totally beats the knickers off the Master Mason. This is perhaps why said mason actually killed his apprentice with a mallet-blow for outshining him. In a glorious twist of ingenuity, the mason and apprentice have been immortalized in carvings on the walls of the chapel: the apprentice in one corner near the rear of the chapel and the master in the opposite corner, his gaze centered directly on the Apprentice pillar for all eternity, awesome karmic punishment for his sin of envy.

Gonna Get Someone Killed:
Gorgeous top of the Apprentice Pillar (from Wiki)

-Finally (you still awake?), the Grail marker. Located at a central point on the vaulted ceiling, this diamond shaped stone points directly down into the heart of the chapel, deep below the floor, to a mysterious unopened crypt below.

X Marks The Spot:
The Keystone (from Wiki)

According to legend, this crypt is home to a treasure beyond comprehension. Now, before you get all excited, grab your pick-axe and go Lara Croft on me, take pause. The Grail is probably not buried here. Nor is Jesus' mummified head (yikes! seriously people!?!), the fallopian tubes of Mother Mary, or John the Baptist's favourite Care Bear. A local crazy tried to smash open parts of the chapel in an attempt at real scientific discovery years back (got nothing but time in the pokey), so to avoid any further vandalism by nutjobs, the Rosslyn people had everything x-rayed. Nothing was found hidden above ground, but they did find a massive space below. So massive that it is as deep and cavernous as the entire above ground portion of the chapel, like a subterranean mirror image.

And there are definitely things down there, but what? No entrance can be found and they most certainly will not allow any destruction of the foundation, so you can be left to speculate. It is "supposed" to contain the Knight's Templars skeletons, their treasures, like the Ark of the Covenant, the treasure from King Solomon's Temple, and the rocks from the Temple of Doom (kidding...), the Holy Rood (or "holy wood," a piece of the crucifix that did in our Lord and Saviour), and/or that pesky Holy Grail. Believe what you will, but the real-life stories in stone are enough to feed the imagination and satisfy your inner faith-based adventurer without too much fictional interruption.

I have many more stories, if you're interested. But I really need a rest at this point. Can't believe you made it this far. Since you can't take my blabber any further (I totally need a pee break right now), do your own supplemental reading or catch up with a bag of popcorn and any one of the movies that I've mentioned above. A movie marathon on film, instead of your loquacious buddy's blog.