Peaches Penetrates Shanghai

It's been a long ass while since Shanghai was graced by an international act worth seeing. Ever since Bjork went and screwed us all by making it harder for foreign acts to receive government approval, this place has been a veritable ghost town devoid of overseas musical talent.

Owl City? *Eye roll*
Andrew Bird? *Zzzzz*
Michael Bolton? Are you kidding me?

Thus, when it was confirmed that raunch queen Peaches would spread her gospel of filth onto our fair city, I nearly burst from my boxer briefs in premature excitement. With the Expo mere days away, it's a shock that the authorities even let her airplane onto the tarmac. Luckily for old Peach, she flies so low under the radar that the All-Seeing Eye of the Ministry of Culture couldn't stop her. Poor Bob Dylan was blocked mere days from his scheduled performances, while Peaches-disciple Lady Gaga had to cancel an entire PRC/ROC/HK tour because Beijing wouldn't allow her disco stick into the motherland.

When we arrived at Mao Livehouse, openers Reptile & Retard were wrapping up a typically insane set. I didn't care about missing these wacky Danes (they'll perform at the Expo, I'm told); I had been waiting for Peaches for months.

We like it hardcore

As the intro music blasted through the wall of dry ice smoke fuming from the stage, the crowd of idiots began to inexplicably smash their glass cups and bottles onto the floor. Some dickwad behind me -- a foreigner, of course -- tossed not one, but TWO glasses onto the floor, sending shards of tumbler all over the place.

I will pose the question again and again with exasperated anger: how the fuck do these people get here? It's not like it's easy for a lowlife Westerner to just relocate to Shanghai without a job or school. So are these jack-offs releasing pent-up anger from a day at the office or classroom, or are they dreaded hipster scum come to China to metastasize like skinny-jean-wearing, high-top-rockin, 80s-throwback-wannabe cancer? I didn't move halfway across the world to be followed by this scourge. Go back to Williamsburg.

My rage was quelled as soon as Peaches rose from a backstage hydraulic platform. Dressed as a giant mop.

Relentlessly slamming through a mix of old hits and tracks from her latest album, I Feel Cream, she executed one of the most enthralling shows I've ever seen. She crowd surfed, played a laser theremin, and even walked across the audience atop a sea of upstretched hands. "Jesus walked on water, Peaches walks on YOU!" @__@

This woman is over forty years old. I was in awe.

Behold the Peach!

While singing such child-friendly fare such as "Fatherfucker," "Lovertits," "Shake Yer Dix," "I Feel Cream," "2 Guys 4 Every Girl," and all-time playground favorite, "Fuck the Pain Away," Peaches changed wardrobe about a bajillion times, from that aforementioned shag suit (looked exactly like the Beck Odelay dog) to a bath towel, a glittery cape and cowel, skanked-out leotards and the infamous Pussy Light, as seen below (apologies for the crap quality).



The crowd unfortunately remained obnoxious through most of the show, but all was forgiven because I was probably being quite annoying as well, with all the jumping and jamming and head banging and screaming. We really need more shows like this in Shanghai. Full-fledged loss of sanity and surrender to the performance. It's been so. long.

Our Caped Crusader

By the end of the final encore, Peaches challenged us to a little contest: to see if Shanghai was crazier than the other Asian tour stops. How would we prove ourselves? By stripping. You can see where this is headed.

As she egged on the crowd, it was apparent that most folks preferred to remain robed. Myself included. No one wants to see what lies beneath my impeccable clothing. But some minx behind me grabbed my shirt and demanded it be separated from my person. I had to oblige. No matter how self-conscious, above all I am indeed a ham.

Luckily I banged out a couple of push-ups before the show, because my flab was flying alllll over the damn place. Looking up at Peaches, wiping fake blood from her mouth and looking like an overused tranny hooker from an alleyway, I felt empowered. Here is this nasty ass woman who sings filthy, filthy songs about guy-on-guy action, copious fornication, tits, balls, ass, pussy and dicks (in Chinese! 摇你的奶，摇你的蛋!), even the Shocker! and yet there is something so electrically sexy about her while she is performing that even I am disgusted by my admission. If she is comfortable in her skin, why shouldn't I be?

Hands in the air, I continued to jump up and down to the beat. Peaches is all about breaking down stereotypes and prudishness. If that meant baring my flesh to a crowd of drunken hipsters, so be Peaches' will.

V&K couldn't bear being blinded any further, they had to cover up my love handles!