The Battle Rages On

(Or, The Continuing Competition For Silliest Name In The Land)

Now that the Beijing Olympics are thankfully relegated to the history books and the painful memories associated with those weeks of fierce competition have been neatly filed away in the far recesses of your mind, allow me to drag it all back for just one moment. I will not stand idly by and let complacency get the best of you. Why? Because the Chinese never rest.

Despite winning all those golds, they are too proud to admit that losing the total medal count to the USA will forever be a splinter in their big stinky paw. Just as the US government would rightly have you believe, the treacherous Chinese are currently continuing efforts to plot their glorious uprising to take over the world and crush democracy with poorly chosen monikers. You saw what they did at the Opening Ceremony; now imagine all that manpower armed with bad names instead of drumsticks. I pray for my unborn children.

During this sensitive time, it is vital to educate yourself and know all you can about this threat. It's time to enter the mind of the Yellow Peril. Thus I submit to you, the 2008 name audit. By studying their names, you can learn all you need to know about them.

First, we have the clever ones who have chosen the names of America's own, a diabolical tactic to appropriate our cherished heroes. We've got some television stars (Scofield, Locke, Simpson), some film icons (Bourne, Rocky (and his Viagra-loving pal, Rocky Dong - ha!), Neo) and actual real-life heroes (Kobe). American institutions aren't even safe (Yahoo, Google, Disney, Navy).

Names Stolen From Your Beloved Bald TV Stars

They also get mythical, pillaging not only Roman and Norse legends, but also Tolkien: Triton, Thor, Elven

Dipping into the eternal battle between good and evil, we come upon some Judeo-Christian imagery (you will note that now we have TWO fallen angels at the company...):
Sunday and Moses vs. Lucifre and Daemon

Next, the ones that fly under the radar with names of seemingly innocuous random objects:
String, Bottle, Wine, Stone, Coin, Jet, Orange, Jar, Shoulder, Blazer, Jam, Echo, Cherry

Digging deeper, we find the ones who lure you with the sweet stuff, like strangers in a big white van:
Sugar, Candy, Cookie, Vanilla, Cheer, Dreamy (a dude), Smile, Magic, Semon (we've got TWO, but the winner is surnamed Wang...)

Moving on, we come to the nature lovers:
Cloud(y), Leaf, Snow, Ocean, Alps, Fjord, and the sickeningly saccharine, Summer Sun

Close behind, we have everyone's favorite - the people that insist on naming themselves after animals. This never gets old: Lion, Tiger, Pony, Phoenix, Fish, Fly

Delving into more mundane subject matter, we've got some adjectives (Real, Ready, Brisk), verbs (Freed, Tear), a gerund (Wondering) and two creative adverbs (Gayly, Radly). Most curiously, one wonders if "Gayly" is merely happy or fancies a nice buggering every now and again...

Speaking of buggering, consider these lovely gems:
Blondie Poon, Lolita, Titi, Action, Dicky Huang

As we come to the end of the audit, I present those villians who deserved special recognition with their very own categories:

The Return of Scooby Doo Award: Rorry
Bodega Beauty Award: Yolanda
Son Of Pika Award: Kaka Chu (but is he advocating the futbol player or poop?)
Inexplicable Choice Award: John Son (that is his first name...no relation at all to his Chinese characters)

And finally, we end with the most dangerous of the bunch, the ones who defy categorization and logic, though not to be confused with the ones using pirated versions of Microsoft Office with broken spellcheck (Jewerl, Sily, Rechal, Belive, Kidy, Likeit). Clearly, these names must be some sort of secret code used to communicate confidential Communist messages. To dismiss them as gibberish would be foolish. Never underestimate the enemy, especially an adversary with such creative nomenclature as this:

Tant, Smoll, Grissom, Soff, Turble, Phoonsure, Kubbc, Robbiet, Vosing, Hutter, Hinate, Ficom, Jeery, Clize, Linkevinse, Sunbow, Hud Woo, Jackiet, Risehong, Vigoss, QQ Ding, Zakbo, Jocose, Chitty, Madoka, Kama, Elliv, Conrite, Aquila, Cret, Feinny, Jarry, Yearnwade, Panny, Shaha, Crice, Sinba, Givty, Newjie, Kelpy, KingSea, Rabe, Famy

Luckily, there is hope. A mole has infiltrated their ranks, and in a bit of cross-straits confusion, one of China's own - Xu Hai - has changed his English name to "Hayes Hsu," clearly using the Taiwanese Romanization conventions for his surname. This brave soul has some hard espionage duties ahead, most dauntingly, against the leader of this Chinese Bad Name force, the most fearsome of all, the man so bold in his national pride that he named himself after the motherland:

China Wang

I can't make this stuff up, people. As a vigilant patriot, I implore you: do not let the Chinese win this battle. Do your part to help Uncle Sam. Pick an equally ridiculous Chinese name for yourself, like Courageous Dragon, Big Mountain or Friendly Barbarian. You could even get some random Chinese characters tattooed on that strapping red neck of yours. Please don't underestimate what they can do, for as you have seen, with every passing year, these mind-boggling names just keep coming. Until 2009...

November 5th, 2008 (Shanghai time)

(Or, Yes. We. Did.)

We did it. After eight years of mind-numbing bullshit, we finally have a new leader. It is a truly historic day that I'll never forget.

Growing up, my memories of presidential elections drew exclusively from the fact that they were so close to home: first with Michael Dukakis, a former Massachusetts governor, in '88; then Paul Tsongas, a senator from my hometown, Lowell, in '92. That year, Clinton defeated Tsongas in the primary and went on to become President. So aside from assuming that all presidents had to somehow originate from my home state (foreshadowing unsuccessful runs by Kerry and Romney), politics were not a priority in my life. This trend would continue into adolescence.

As the Clinton years went on, I began to develop a better idea of the importance of the position of President of the United States. Despite my admitted lack of deep political knowledge, I tried my best to at least maintain a basic grasp on the situation. Playing saxophone, good. Sex with interns, bad. Compared to Bush Sr. and the Gulf War, impeachment hearings for a paltry semen stain seemed silly to me. I couldn't see what the fuss was about. I suppose hindsight really puts things into perspective. None of this was more apparent than in 2000, the year I cast my first ballot.

Now, we all remember that year with mixed grief, disbelief and anger. In my dorm room at UMass, just as we began celebrating Gore's "victory" with skunked beer spilling on ruled notebooks, what would become one of the worst presidencies in American history had begun. It's a little unnecessary to rehash the details of the past two terms. The entire world is painfully aware of those realities. In retrospect, I find it interesting that my formative adult years are inextricably bound to that presidency. Pretty much all of our lives were influenced by it. So for me, this current election was - and probably will remain - the most important in my lifetime.

In the days and months leading up to Election Day '08, it felt like the most excruciating countdown to the most uncertain decision at the most unstable time ever. Lofty. Even though the general mood in the final days was positive, everyone knew that we couldn't rest until it was official. We had all been fucked at the last minute before, mind you. For me, this felt like the final inning of Game 7 in a Red Sox/Yankees playoff series that we were *just* about to win, with me hanging off the edge of my seat, knees shaking my ankles into the floor, mouth agape and eyes glued to a TV screen. Maybe it's this Boston mindset ingrained in my psyche, but I just can't rest easy until the outcome has been confirmed by at least ten separate media sources, a victory parade has been scheduled and a trophy or speech has been given before a crowd of cheering onlookers.


Bright and early on the morning of November 5th (i.e. late Tuesday night in the US), over a hundred compatriots and I played hooky from work and set up camp at a local American bar, fueled with heaping breakfast plates ("Breakfast with Barack" har har), free flow caffeine (sorry, ran out of coffee, only have Coke), and enough Chinese "Obama 奥巴马 2008" swag to make a killing on eBay years from now. The energy was high, though that nagging uncertainty still overshadowed my mood.

Affirmative Action Wet Dream

Viv and Neil: Obama's Biggest Campaign Contributors

The crowd was a big old mix of Americans, who would summarily hoot and holler their hometown allegiance whenever CNN announced their state's winner. While mostly white, there was also a healthy dose of black folk, some ABCs, and an Indian dude. Even a few witless Republicans somehow managed to wander in thinking it was just an "American" gathering, not an explicit "Obama" gathering, the idiots.

Malone's First Floor

Ebony and Ivory! Perfect Harmony Starts Now

This Kid Loves Obama
(and, on a side note, boogers too. I saw him eat like 10 in the span of a minute!)

A British NPR writer was also in the ranks, searching for any hometown Chinese that could help shed some light on the local opinion regarding the election. According to her count, she could only find two; though her local photographer pals were the only Chinese I saw. However, in preparation for her piece, she did manage to interview some locals and was happily surprised to see that the seemingly innate prejudice that Chinese have against blacks didn't rear its ugly head this time around. In fact, about 70% of Chinese polled (according to a totally scientific survey, mind you) supported Obama, reflecting the overwhelming global opinion. In my personal conversations with Shanghainese friends, their view has also been refreshingly enlightened. Although siding with Obama because McCain looks "old" and "evil" probably isn't the most educated of judgments.

The Friendly Local Photogs

Watching CNN, I felt like we had tuned in to the wrong channel. At points it felt like Monday Night Football, with the booming music, swooshing sound effects, and overblown anchorperson shouting. I was half expecting a CGI football to go flying past Wolf Blitzer's grizzled head, hitting Anderson Cooper in his pretty face. Then the very next minute, like New Year's Eve in Times Square, with the ominous CNN PROJECTION (TM) graphics counting down the seconds until the next batch of states were announced. I got a few laughs from the scant coverage of the Republican base in Phoenix, especially their frenzied boys choir performance. Wow, they sure bring out the heavy hitters. My personal favorite bit came during the insanely hallucinogenic hologram segments. If you haven't seen it yet, CNN basically beamed in anchors from different cities via freaky 2-D hologram, Star Wars style. Like Leia in A New Hope, even Black Eyed Peas frontpea, Will.I.Am, made a quick cameo.

"Help me O-ba-Ma Kenobi, you're my only hope!"
(Certainly I couldn't think that I was the only one that thought of this within the first 2 seconds of seeing this awesome advance in technology?)

At the start of the coverage, I expected a nailbiter. However as each hour passed and state after state proved their ability to vote for the right guy, the possibility of a landslide had me secretly grinning like a fool. But I didn't want to jinx anything, so the anxiety and nervous shaking continued.

At noon, about 11PM US time, CNN's hyperactive "Breaking News" animation flashed across the screen for the first time.

Barack Obama Elected President

The room exploded in celebration. As Stevie Wonder blasted through the speakers, it was pretty much official. Seeing the screaming (and crying) crowds in Grant Park, Kenya, and before my eyes in Shanghai, I too was moved to tears. We finally did it, together, and it felt so damn good.

Pure Joy

Watching Obama's amazing speech in Chicago, before a crowd so massive that you'd think Lollapalooza was back in town, I couldn't help chuckle to myself at the sight of all those white people nodding their heads and shouting out "Yes we can" in response to Obama, gospel church style. In addition to hope, he's also going to inject the country with soul ~Mmm-hmm, das righ'~ Needless to say, the speech was moving and emotional to watch, but seeing Oprah leaning on that fat white dude just pushed me over the edge. Hand me more tissues...

Although it's going to be a rough start, I believe Obama can bring the change he's promised. Hopefully he doesn't get as much criticism as Taiwan's Ma Ying-jeou, who not only shares an alma mater with Obama, but also has the astronomically unfair expectation to clean up eight years worth of accumulated shit in a very short span of time. [Editor's note: they are both also dashingly handsome and quite eloquent too.] In the very least, we'll be able to reclaim a more positive image in the global community, which is something every expat American can be thankful for. Though I will truly miss the inspired comedic soundbites that spew forth from Bush's retarded mouth, it is time for a change. My dear friend, Jigga, summed it up best by saying:

"Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther King could walk.
Martin Luther King walked so Obama could run.
Obama's running so we all can fly."

I've never felt this proud to be an American. I have a feeling I'll be telling my grandchildren about this monumental day: the day a black man, nee, a fellow halfie, became President of the United States of America.

The Ego Has Landed (Or, Kanye West Is Coming "Home")

Jesus didn't walk last night, but we had a great time all the same. On the final stop of his Chinese mainland trek, Kanye West played a modest (see: short) set that kept the crowd on its toes, which is a feat in itself considering most Chinese audiences often resemble the pile of stinky, dead fish on the melting ice chips at your nearest Carrefour. Unfortunately, he left the mega-LCD screen and spaceship back in the States, making this billing as a Glow In The Dark show a bit of a misleading misnomer. However, from start to finish, the energy was high and the setlist was tight. In the 4 years since I last saw the man, he has really come a long way.

Mr. West, the college dropout who eventually re-registered (late, mind you) and finally graduated, was not the first performer I would have thought of had you asked me "Who do you think will come to China next?" He's just too hip and cutting edge and, after Bjork, I assumed we were done for. I would have thought someone safer and more boring, maybe another stint by the Black Eyed Peas. So after his initial date was scrapped and then rescheduled in order to fit in a gig in Beijing, a hefty 380 RMB per ticket (for the "cheap" seats!) was shelled forth in anticipation for one of the best hip hop artists alive.

Remarkably, We Each Paid 380 RMB To See This Man.

News of Kanye's impending arrival got me crazy excited in all the right places. As most of us would learn, this was a "homecoming" of sorts, according to the overexited Chinese press. You see, back in 1987, Kanye's mom Donda (R.I.P.) took a Fulbright teaching position in Nanjing, site of the eponymous massacre north of Shanghai, and brought her then ten-year old son with her. His Mandarin apparently got fluent enough to "translate menus" at restaurants. Hrm... Oddly, he didn't utter a word of Chinese during the entire show, so maybe he forgot it all during his 21 year absence from the mainland. His beloved mother, the unfortunate victim of a botched plastic surgery procedure, got a proper shout out though, via his heart-wrenching tribute, "Hey Mama," which gets my vote for the Best Momma Ode By A Rapper Award (suck it, Tupac).

Although no one would ever accuse Kanye of being the greatest rapper alive, his lyrics are thought-provoking, oftentimes hilarious, and don't need to resort to the typical violence-drugs-and-bitches sludge that clogs other rap catalogs. His long list of collaborations is equally inspired, reading more like a fantasy dream team of duets plucked from my iPod playlist. Jay-Z. Mos Def. Common. Lauryn Hill. Lil' Wayne. Chris Martin. Daft Punk. Lupe Fiasco. Adam Levine. Even John Mayer isn't safe from Kanye's greedy clutches. At one point during the set, the band launched into a familiar tune (Journey's "Don't Stop Believing"); familiar to soft-rock radio stations, not stadium rap concerts. Yet they managed to pull it off effortlessly. Kanye's self-appointed status as "genius" is starting to make sense to me now.

The show thumped to a start with strains of "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" - a track Kanye is slowly but surely usurping from Daft Punk - then morphed into "Good Morning," the first track off his latest album, Graduation. Controlling the crowd with his rhymes, Kanye blazed through hits like "All Falls Down" and "Good Life" (with laughably out-of-place show opener, Vanness Wu of LA Boyz and F4 fame) without a word of nihaoxiexie filler in between. Although the show wasn't a sell-out, the people in attendance were fully capable of going nuts. The suckers with expensive 1000 RMB-plus seats managed to partially recoup their money, filling out the front of the floor section, as if we were at an actual general admission concert. Whether because of the high expat percentage or simply because he was that amazing, the audience was fun and rowdy, something you don't see very often around here. Even though he skipped "Jesus Walks" and "New Workout Plan," the energy was palpable, making the vibe more like a sweaty club show than a gaping indoor arena.

From the swaggering "Gold Digger" to the anthemic "Touch The Sky," Kanye's ability to keep both the energy and the spirit positive is one of the reasons I like him so much. His music makes you feel good without dumbing down the message. Even when the subject matter gets heavy, there is always an addictive beat to back it up and make that head nod. On those more foreboding tracks - most notably "Diamonds From Sierra Leone" (my personal favorite) - he exhibited a passionate intensity that I usually only see at rock concerts, with lighting production to match. Trent Reznor would be proud.

Flashing. Liiights Lights Lights Lights~

Much to the delight of the Brits in attendance, Kanye whipped out his verse from Estelle's "American Boy," the huge UK (nee, "you, K") summer hit. Proving just how painfully hip he is, the bloke drops some "rubbish", namechecks my favourite superjuice Ribena, and knows the proper use of the term "wag." I'm convinced that Estelle was hiding somewhere backstage singing her choruses, but it could have also been a prerecorded loop. Part of me secretly hoped that her fellow countryman, Chris Martin, would magically appear for "Homecoming," during which I would have willingly shit my pants in excitement, but I assume he was stuck back in merry old England with Estelle.

Mr. West

Unfortunately for me, my dreams of hearing the new tracks from the soon-to-be-crowned break-up masterpiece, 808s & Heartbreak, were dashed. All we got was a verse from "Love Lockdown," which, without the aid of Kanye's new best friend, the auto-tuner, sounded a little out of place plopped at the butt end of "Touch the Sky." The Singaporeans should consider themselves lucky, as they not only got "Lockdown" but also "Heartless." I wait patiently for that album to drop on November 25th. In any case, it is just a minor quibble in an otherwise strong set. Speaking of "strong" (oh ho, ho, what a segue!)...

Still on a high from "Diamonds," "American Boy," and "Flashing Lights," Kanye finished me off with the explosive "Stronger," which is the closest I've ever come to the pure ecstasy of live Daft Punk. Although some complained of poor speaker quality, that percussion hit me in all my sweet spots and I was as happy as a rapper swimming in a pool of gold necklaces, booty sweat and big titties.

As the show came to a close, Kanye stood at the center of the stage illuminated by a megawatt flood light, arm in the air saluting a rabid crowd. And just as suddenly as he had entered, Yeezy bounded off the stage and the house lights flickered to life. Touch the sky, Shanghai.




Kanye West "Glow In The Dark" Setlist
(more or less -- if you were in attendance and have a more complete list, let me know...)

"Good Morning"
"I Wonder"
"Heard 'Em Say"
"Through the Wire"
"Champion"
"Get 'Em High"
"Diamonds from Sierra Leone"
"Can't Tell Me Nothing"
"Flashing Lights"
"Gold Digger"
"Good Life"
"Hey Mama"
"Don't Stop Believing" (Journey Cover)
"Stronger"
"Homecoming"
"Touch the Sky" ("Love Lockdown" verse only)

A Friendly Reminder

Please don't forget to vote (for the right guy).